Turning Conflict Into Connection
However, over time, I have come to believe the words of Julia Cameron of The Artist’s Way: that fear, and not hate, is actually the opposite of love.
Cameron talks about the way fear blocks our clarity and inner truth. She says that all of us have a compass which shows us the way north – and that fear is like static which obscures the needle from us. Thus, fear is one of the things that blocks us from right action.
As I have written previously in “Restorative is Not Gentle“, one aspect of being restorative is being courageous. It is having the fierceness to face the elephants in our midst and tell tell truth with love. It is being able to have courageous conversations that uphold the dignity of all involved.
Thus, taking restorative action may mean having the courage to face something (or someone) we have been avoiding – with the goal of clearing away some of the brambles and making a path forward together. It may mean reaching out, reaching in, or reaching through our fear.
If truth sends us a letter, will we open it and read it as though it comes from a close friend?
What is the smallest courageous action you are willing to take this week?
If fear is the opposite of love, let us celebrate this month by taking small courageous steps toward becoming un-stuck and un-afraid.
Elaine is honored to be part of a
year-long RJ Webinar and Mentoring Series
with 12+ global Guides.
Webinars start at $15/month.
Small group mentoring starts at $25/month.
Get small group mentoring with Dominic Barter, Kay Pranis, Joe Brummer, and others working on restorative justice in schools and communities.
Most session recordings are available to participants who cannot make the calls.
Choose from 4 Membership levels:
StoryCorps Education World: lesson plans and resources to help young people:
One Small Step Project: supporting people across political and social divides in listening and civil dialogue.
StoryCorps Justice Project: preserving and amplifying the stories of youth and adults who have been incarcerated.
FREE Podcasts on restorative practices and restorative justice hosted by Molly Rowen Leach from Restorative Justice on the Rise.
Samples below:
Carolyn Boyes-Watson and Kay Pranis on Restorative Schools
Dr. David Ragland from St. Louis on Truth and Reconciliation
Joe Brummer on Trauma-Informed Restorative Practices
Eric Butler and Cassidy Friedman from award winning “Circles” documentary
People often share with me how they have handled a difficult situation, with the following caveats:
“Elaine, this was probably not restorative, but I told her: ‘I don’t want to be spoken to that way. It’s not ok.’ “
“So I did NOT use my restorative voice. I used my loud and stern voice and I told them they need to stop running like that. It is simply NOT SAFE.”
“I was certainly NOT my restorative self at home yesterday. I was so tired of the mess and not being supported. I was really angry.”
These comments tell me that many people are thinking of “restorative” as synonymous with “gentle”, “passive”, or “therapeutic.”
I would like to challenge this belief.
I believe restorative is not necessarily gentle. I believe restorative is FIERCE, HONEST, AND COURAGEOUS.
The form of restorative justice I have studied and shared comes from the work of Dominic Barter and colleagues in Brazil – and can be considered a form of nonviolent action – as practiced by MK Gandhi in India and South Africa – and by Dr. King in the U.S.
Because of the frequent misunderstanding – in the West – of nonviolence as passive or gentle, Gandhi coined the term “satyagraha” to describe the heart of nonviolent action.
“Satyagraha” is a combination of the Sanskrit words satya (meaning “truth”) and agraha (“holding firmly to”). Gandhi wrote in 1968:
“Truth (satya) implies love, and firmness (agraha) engenders, and therefore serves, as a synonym for force. I thus began to call the Indian movement Satyagraha, that is to say, the Force which is born of Truth and Love or non-violence…“ (see: Satyagraha in South Africa by MK Gandhi).
Gandhi has also referred to this term as “soul-force”, “love-force”, and “truth-force.”
While we do not want to over-generalize from one non-violent movement to another, I think there is much for us to gain from the conceptualization of satyagraha.
When we are restorative, we fiercely commit – first and foremost – to truth-with-love.
That means finding “containers” or “vehicles” to share our truth with others in a dignity-enhancing way – instead of avoiding them, attacking them, or writing them off as less “human” than ourselves. That also means being open – truly open – to the possibility that their underlying truth may be unknown to us and will impact how we move forward.
HOW DO WE TELL TRUTH-WITH-LOVE
WHEN THERE IS NO TRUST?
Restorative Circles, facilitated dialogues, and other restorative practices – are all CONTAINERS that help us have COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS about CRITICAL TRUTHS (Dominic Barter).
We sometimes need facilitators and restorative containers in order to tell truth with love – because we may need help compensating for a lack of trust, power differentials, inability to hear each other, or hopelessness about the possibility of right action.
Loving kindness, mindfulness, healing work, and therapeutic approaches are all important practices that create positive outcomes. So is music, exercise, yoga, gardening, sleep, and a healthy diet, to name just a few.
However, these practices all have different goals and different means than restorative action.
RESTORATIVE ACTIONS VS. OUTCOMES
Satyagraha also contains within it the philosophy that HOW we get to an outcome defines – or co-creates – the outcome.
Just as the tree grows out of the seed, our restorative outcomes must grow out of restorative actions.
When truth-force happens, it may look fierce and passionate. However, it will not be disparaging or disdainful. Passion is not disgust. Truth is not disdain.
Dr. King, has expanded on this sentiment, saying that “the means we choose must be as pure as the ends we seek… [but] it is just as wrong, or perhaps even more so, to use moral means to preserve immoral ends.” (Letter From a Birmingham Jail, 1963).
Thus, neither restorative actions nor restorative outcomes can be dignity-denying. They must both be dignity-enhancing.
Restorative may not always be gentle. However, with the right container and the right people, restorative can get us to the truth-love-force — and to the right action.
After racial tensions erupted during a high school football game, the conflict hardened and spread throughout the two competing schools. Both communities feared that the situation would escalate and grow violent. But the two groups participated together in restorative circles and dispelled the issue, breaking barriers in ways no one expected…
Read more here or watch video below:
![]() |
This is a TRUE story told to me by Ms. Goforit – whose 7th graders had a small conflict (some name calling) the day before. Let’s call the involved students Angry, Bored, and Clever.
Ms. Goforit knew she did not have time to prep all the students for a circle – but wondered what would happen if she invited some of the students that were NOT involved in the conflict to do a circle prep/exploration meeting with Angry, Bored, and Clever.
Ms. Goforit then told the class that she was learning to facilitate circles and asked if they wanted to try one, since it was a pretty small conflict and a good one on which to practice.
She then got three student volunteers and sent each of these “Peacekepers” out into the hallway with Restorative Self-Reflection sheets, asking each Peacekeeper to go through the Reflection sheets with either Angry, Bored, or Clever.
After they returned, Ms. Goforit received consent from all the students to conduct the circle fishbowl style (since everyone had been there for the conflict the day before). Some students watched, and some continued to do their work in a different part of the room.
Ms. Goforit used Dominic Barter’s “time traveler” recipe (how are you RIGHT NOW; what were you wishing for BACK THEN and where do we go NEXT). Students heard each other, created new understanding, and expressed regret for their harsh words.
Afterwards, Ms. Goforit gave all the students the 5-question circle feedback cards – which showed high satisfaction for everyone involved.
The bonus was that after the circle, one of the Peacekeeper students asked if SHE could fill out the self-reflection sheet with Clever about a conflict she was having with another girl — who was not even in Ms. Goforit’s class.
When we combine high expectations with high supports for our young people – they can really shine!
by Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D.
(c) 2017 Conflict 180
It was Monday morning and Mr. Keaton was not looking forward to his 6th grade first period.
Johnny and Ricky had been at it for two months, with no sign of letting up.
Last Friday had been typical. In the first 10 minutes of class, Johnny had interrupted other students 3 times to share something urgent. Ricky took it upon himself to teach Johnny some manners:
“Shut up already! It ain’t your turn!”
Johnny spun around and cussed Ricky out. Other kids joined in. Kelli was hissing “shhh”, Louis was laughing at Johnny, and Bernard was attacking Ricky:
“Man! YOU shut up! You making it WORSE!”
From there, things predictably went down hill.
Over the past two months, Mr. Keaton had tried everything in his toolbox to put an end to the nonsense. He:
Nothing seemed to help. What had been a pleasurable 1st period at the beginning of the year was turning into a daily, dreaded headache.
Mr. Keaton realized there was one thing he had not yet tried.
Dialogue-Based Restorative Circles were a new school initiative and Mr. Keaton had heard circles took time. However, he felt like the conflict had aleady cost a ton of time, patience, and goodwill. They could afford to spend some time building community and peace.
That afternoon, Mr. Keaton emailed Ms. Noble, the school’s Restorative Practices coordinator. She took it from there.
The goal of Dialogue-Based Restorative Circles is to get to the roots of the conflict. We do this by listening underneath for the deeper feelings and hopes that are not easily seen above the surface.
Mr. Keaton, Johnny, and Ricky first started exploring their underlying needs during individual circle prep meetings with Ms. Noble and Jacki (one of a dozen 8th graders learning to be circle keepers).
Everyone sat in a semi-circle, facing each other. A set of Restorative Questions were taped to the board for all to see.
Everyone took a turn answering each question, with an option to pass.
Many students shared that they felt frustrated and exhausted by the conflict. When Mr. Keaton shared that he sometimes made things worse by not responding to the boys quickly enough, the students seemed impressed that their teacher was taking responsibility for harm. Many students then shared ways they had made things worse.
When someone spoke directly to someone else, rather than to the whole group, Ms. Noble shifted from a traditional circle-sharing format to a “facilitated dialogue.”
For instance, at one point, Johnny, not meeting Ricky’s eyes, told him that he got to class upset most days because he was teased by a bunch of older boys on the way to school every morning.
“What are you hearing underneath that?” Ms. Noble prompted Ricky.
“That his patience is all wore out by the time he gets here,” Ricky said. Johnny nodded, looking relieved to be understood.
At another point, Mr. Keaton made a long speech to Ricky about how Ricky was a natural leader and even though he did not expect him to always be the peace-maker, he did have high expectations for him, and on and on in that vein. When Ms. Noble asked Ricky what he was hearing, Ricky looked a bit overwhelmed.
“That was a lot of words,” she said kindly, “What is the main thing you heard underneath?”
Ricky replied directly to Mr. Keaton: “That you’re proud of me. And you love me like a son.” “Yes, you got it” Mr. Keaton said, his eyes a little moist.
During the last round, the students agreed on 7 actions to make things better, including:
Two months later, Mr. Keaton reports that all is well. Johnny and Ricky have not become friends, but they are civil and there have been no more class conflicts.
In addition, to Mr. Keaton’s delight, Ricky has applied to be a student Circle Keeper.