Turning Conflict Into Connection
As you’ve probably noticed, this month’s theme has been courage.
One of the origins of the word courage is the Old French “cuer,” meaning “heart.” We have marked February by opening our hearts to love and history, and by asking our hearts to take small difficult steps towards something we have been avoiding.
We began the month by delving into the idea that fear, and not hate, is the opposite of love. We then looked to the science of courage, which showed us how to practice our “couraging” by connecting to our values and taking small do-able steps.
We will conclude the month by talking about the courage to be playful and how it can be another doorway into difficult conversations or reconnection.
Traditionally, at least in the midwest states where I do much of my work, February and March are two of the toughest months of the school year. One administrator calls this period “Funky February”, claiming that the days between President’s Day weekend and Spring Break are always the longest and hardest for both staff and kids.
This also appears to be true for our household. February and March seem so long and gray and dreary. That is why now – more than ever – we need to remember the importance of playfulness.
It turns out that play is a human need, much like touch. Remember those orphan babies that failed to thrive because they did not get held enough? It seems that humans, including adult humans, also need play.
Play helps adults be more productive and improves their mental health, while play deprivation in rats and monkeys has been linked to poor social development. Playfulnesshas even been shown as a preferable quality in romantic partners in one European study.
Incorporating play into education can also help middle-school and high school students learn content.
Just as importantly, playfulness can help us get over the hump of a rough day or turn a criticism into a connecting moment – by creating laughter or lightening the mood.
Although being silly or goofy is NOT natural to me, I have been trying to include playfulness in my work and home life this month in small purposeful ways. As you can see below, these playful actions built on each other, eventually shining their way into difficult conversations and making heavy things a bit lighter. Some examples from this month are below:
For some of you, being playful with your students, at home, or with colleagues is a natural way of being and you just need a reminder to do your thing (OK – GO DO YOUR THING!)
However, as I mentioned, I am not playful or goofy by nature. Sure – our family does “Full House” Appreciations and 180 Questions at meal times. However, even our “connecting activities” seemed to sag under the gray clouds of February.
It seemed that I needed a bit of en-courage-ment to bring more playfulness into my life. I needed to just start somewhere.
A couple of years ago I read an essay in the NY Times in which the author granted people permission to make a change they really wanted (based on a study by Freakanomics author Steven D. Levitt). It seems that many of us need a Permission Fairy – someone to grant us the permission to make our own wishes come true.
I have talked to teachers who say they long for the days when the curriculum was less confining and they could drop what they were doing (on a bad day) and just play a game with their students. I have talked to parents who wish they were having more fun with their kids or parenting was more joyful. I believe that we need those games and moments of lightness MORE desperately now than ever.
So please, consider this letter to be your permission to courageously begin injecting more play into your work and home life.
And yes – feel free to borrow any of our goofy dinner ideas as a start!
However, over time, I have come to believe the words of Julia Cameron of The Artist’s Way: that fear, and not hate, is actually the opposite of love.
Cameron talks about the way fear blocks our clarity and inner truth. She says that all of us have a compass which shows us the way north – and that fear is like static which obscures the needle from us. Thus, fear is one of the things that blocks us from right action.
As I have written previously in “Restorative is Not Gentle“, one aspect of being restorative is being courageous. It is having the fierceness to face the elephants in our midst and tell tell truth with love. It is being able to have courageous conversations that uphold the dignity of all involved.
Thus, taking restorative action may mean having the courage to face something (or someone) we have been avoiding – with the goal of clearing away some of the brambles and making a path forward together. It may mean reaching out, reaching in, or reaching through our fear.
If truth sends us a letter, will we open it and read it as though it comes from a close friend?
What is the smallest courageous action you are willing to take this week?
If fear is the opposite of love, let us celebrate this month by taking small courageous steps toward becoming un-stuck and un-afraid.
Elaine is honored to be part of a
year-long RJ Webinar and Mentoring Series
with 12+ global Guides.
Webinars start at $15/month.
Small group mentoring starts at $25/month.
Get small group mentoring with Dominic Barter, Kay Pranis, Joe Brummer, and others working on restorative justice in schools and communities.
Most session recordings are available to participants who cannot make the calls.
Choose from 4 Membership levels:
StoryCorps Education World: lesson plans and resources to help young people:
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FREE Podcasts on restorative practices and restorative justice hosted by Molly Rowen Leach from Restorative Justice on the Rise.
Samples below:
Carolyn Boyes-Watson and Kay Pranis on Restorative Schools
Dr. David Ragland from St. Louis on Truth and Reconciliation
Joe Brummer on Trauma-Informed Restorative Practices
Eric Butler and Cassidy Friedman from award winning “Circles” documentary
People often share with me how they have handled a difficult situation, with the following caveats:
“Elaine, this was probably not restorative, but I told her: ‘I don’t want to be spoken to that way. It’s not ok.’ “
“So I did NOT use my restorative voice. I used my loud and stern voice and I told them they need to stop running like that. It is simply NOT SAFE.”
“I was certainly NOT my restorative self at home yesterday. I was so tired of the mess and not being supported. I was really angry.”
These comments tell me that many people are thinking of “restorative” as synonymous with “gentle”, “passive”, or “therapeutic.”
I would like to challenge this belief.
I believe restorative is not necessarily gentle. I believe restorative is FIERCE, HONEST, AND COURAGEOUS.
The form of restorative justice I have studied and shared comes from the work of Dominic Barter and colleagues in Brazil – and can be considered a form of nonviolent action – as practiced by MK Gandhi in India and South Africa – and by Dr. King in the U.S.
Because of the frequent misunderstanding – in the West – of nonviolence as passive or gentle, Gandhi coined the term “satyagraha” to describe the heart of nonviolent action.
“Satyagraha” is a combination of the Sanskrit words satya (meaning “truth”) and agraha (“holding firmly to”). Gandhi wrote in 1968:
“Truth (satya) implies love, and firmness (agraha) engenders, and therefore serves, as a synonym for force. I thus began to call the Indian movement Satyagraha, that is to say, the Force which is born of Truth and Love or non-violence…“ (see: Satyagraha in South Africa by MK Gandhi).
Gandhi has also referred to this term as “soul-force”, “love-force”, and “truth-force.”
While we do not want to over-generalize from one non-violent movement to another, I think there is much for us to gain from the conceptualization of satyagraha.
When we are restorative, we fiercely commit – first and foremost – to truth-with-love.
That means finding “containers” or “vehicles” to share our truth with others in a dignity-enhancing way – instead of avoiding them, attacking them, or writing them off as less “human” than ourselves. That also means being open – truly open – to the possibility that their underlying truth may be unknown to us and will impact how we move forward.
HOW DO WE TELL TRUTH-WITH-LOVE
WHEN THERE IS NO TRUST?
Restorative Circles, facilitated dialogues, and other restorative practices – are all CONTAINERS that help us have COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS about CRITICAL TRUTHS (Dominic Barter).
We sometimes need facilitators and restorative containers in order to tell truth with love – because we may need help compensating for a lack of trust, power differentials, inability to hear each other, or hopelessness about the possibility of right action.
Loving kindness, mindfulness, healing work, and therapeutic approaches are all important practices that create positive outcomes. So is music, exercise, yoga, gardening, sleep, and a healthy diet, to name just a few.
However, these practices all have different goals and different means than restorative action.
RESTORATIVE ACTIONS VS. OUTCOMES
Satyagraha also contains within it the philosophy that HOW we get to an outcome defines – or co-creates – the outcome.
Just as the tree grows out of the seed, our restorative outcomes must grow out of restorative actions.
When truth-force happens, it may look fierce and passionate. However, it will not be disparaging or disdainful. Passion is not disgust. Truth is not disdain.
Dr. King, has expanded on this sentiment, saying that “the means we choose must be as pure as the ends we seek… [but] it is just as wrong, or perhaps even more so, to use moral means to preserve immoral ends.” (Letter From a Birmingham Jail, 1963).
Thus, neither restorative actions nor restorative outcomes can be dignity-denying. They must both be dignity-enhancing.
Restorative may not always be gentle. However, with the right container and the right people, restorative can get us to the truth-love-force — and to the right action.
After racial tensions erupted during a high school football game, the conflict hardened and spread throughout the two competing schools. Both communities feared that the situation would escalate and grow violent. But the two groups participated together in restorative circles and dispelled the issue, breaking barriers in ways no one expected…
Read more here or watch video below:
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